Monday, January 9, 2012
I have decided that 2012 will be the year I reintroduce myself to willpower. Meaning, I control my body and not the other way around. I have always been an exerciser and a girl who watches what she eats and goes to church and reads her scriptures and does what she's supposed to sensibly do. To an extent. The minute something gets hard or even appears daunting, I shy away from it and think happy thoughts about bedtime. Or make cookies. Or forage around my baking bin for dark chocolate. Or log onto the internet and buy something online. Usually, sadly, little girl clothes.
I didn't realize my coping mechanisms until I started to notice the pattern of my afternoon. The minute the kids rush in the door from school and pull out their homework, or need me incessantly is the minute I want more than anything to sit down at the computer and stare at the pretty sales.
But I don't want to be her anymore. I want to be more engaged with my family, and less prone to the heaviness in my limbs. I don't think I'm a bad mom-- but sometimes I am a really bad mom. Take my little Boo, for example. Sometimes it is late afternoon before I even think to make eye contact with her and give her an extra long cuddle and kiss her. On the lips. (Don't shy away from that one, now. We kiss on the lips in this family.)
I feel a brightness I haven't had for a while. I think it is a confluence of a lot of things, but baby growing up is one. And I am sad to even write that. I know so many women who talk about really appreciating their last because they knew it was their last. I feel guilt for not appreciating Jooj enough (for one, and also:) four kids has been harder for me than I ever anticipated.
There. I said it.
I think, too, that the sun has something to do with it. It is shining again. Every day a blue sky out my window, and the silken rays that shine through it, and the long shadows of twiggy trees haunting the yellowing grass. There is a bit of snow, and for its beauty I am grateful. But I don't remember a Utah January ever so temperate and neither do I remember ever being so motivated to start something new-- usually I am still baking Christmas goodies and pretending I care enough about my jeans enough to want to start a diet.
But it's not just about a diet. I mean, I care about that, and I don't care. I want to be thinner, naturally, but I don't want to give up my love of baking. Plus, my kids would die with store bought cookies. Which I only know because I have gone on a baking hiatus for the next few weeks (because I'm so busy cooking vegetables for a whole food cleanse that I love and that isn't driving me bonkers with hunger and deprivation) and the kids are begging for chocolate chip cookies that didn't come from the refrigerated section at the store.
Someday, kiddos (because I really want them too), but only because they taste good, and not because I need them to get me through a Monday.